motherhood

When I became a mother, my mind became like an ocean

Sometimes calm, sometimes tumultuous

Feelings and dreams, moments and memories

Rising and falling like the tide.

 

And there are thoughts, that if they were stones

Would be smooth and polished and shining

From the waves of my mind washing over them

Again, and again, and again.

 

And the shiniest of stones

Would hold the soberest of thoughts

Worry, guilt and fear

For never have these words been more present within me

Since the day I met my child.

 

How can something so beautiful and sacred

So precious, wonderful and sweet

Be so fraught with emotions that belie a seemingly simple belief

‘I will love you, and you will love me’

And that will be enough.

 

But enough is never enough

And the waves of thought continue to crash

And I feel the push and the pull, and the tug and the sway

Of the words that are mine

And the words that are others

Tumbling over, and over, and over again

 

Cherish each moment

Don’t ever let them go

Be present

Be calm

Be better

Be more

And each day there is a new resolve

As I strive towards ‘perfection’

 

But all the days roll into the next

And there is weariness and frustration

And busy and boredom

And the guilt laced thoughts

Of what once was, or what could be

 

And then, within the tangle of this everyday

There is beauty

And I feel the push and the pull, and the tug and the sway

As precious moments roll up and over, and alongside the difficult

Confounding and wonderful all at once

 

And I admire your face, and I hold your hands

I feel your warmth, your skin, your breath and your innocence.

And my heart is full of a love so strong

I wonder how my body can hold it.

 

And it’s fast and slow

And beauty with fear

And sadness with joy

And hope with worry

And wave, upon wave, upon wave

 

An ocean that dances to the rhythm of my heart

And a beat that echoes with the passage of time

A time that stands still whilst stealing away

And teases me with memories of what is no more

 

So I quietly grieve each passing phase

While simultaneously longing to see the person you will become

And I hope all the hopes for a life of adventure

But desperately want to keep you close

 

And my mind and the ocean, it keeps on rolling

As I know it always will

For I am forever entwined with you

Like the tide and the moon, and the waves and the shore

 

So onward we go, my sweet darling child

You and I dancing upon the sea

And I am thankful for your young forgiving heart

And your eyes that see me as more than I ever can

And your belief that I am enough

 

Loved

And enough.

 

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